Highly Skilled Person Calculator (or Premium Person Test)

I resent the fact that I am not eligible to apply for a Highly Skilled Migrant Visa. They really don’t test any skill worth testing. Sure, I’m not a doctor, don’t have a Masters Degree or PhD, have minimal earning power and limited achievement in my chosen field, but I have skills that I can offer the United Kingdom. I am a Premium Person.

Age* (Maximum 5 points)
HSMP age requirements
If you are under 28 years of age you will gain 5 additional points and it will be easier from you to come under HSMP.

Appearance* (Maximum 10 points)
If you are marginally more attractive than our rather average-looking population, you will gain an additional 10 points. If you have any of the following features, this section will not apply to you: your height is below 180cm, you have an ugly orange-tinted tan, funny haircut and/or perm, facial warts and/or double chin.

HSMP Priority Application* (Maximum 50 points)
HSMP priority requirements
This is limited to people with an irreverent sense of humour as there is a currently an influx of conservative, uptight British citizens.

__ Find the following terms amusing: fire retardant, swing sniffer, spam castanet – 50 points
__ Blush, guffaw and swallow your barley sugar in response to these terms – 0 points.

Spouse’s or Partner’s Achievements (Maximum 15 points)
HSMP spouse’s achievements requirements
You can gain points under this category if you have been living together with your spouse or partner for at least two years who has a bachelor degree, or equivalent vocational or professional qualification, and still manages to give you at least 5 orgasms a week.

__ Bachelor degree, or equivalent vocational or professional qualifications – 10
points
__ 5 orgasms a week – 5 points
__ Not applicable – minus 15 points

Other Requirements*
Other HSMP requirements
Please note that if you tick the last option of any of the following, you will not be granted entry on the basis of HSMP to the UK.

__ You are proficient in English, Yiddish, some Italian and know Pi to 15 decimal-
places.
__ You are not proficient in English, but can show that English ability is not
necessary to do your job. E.g You work with your ‘hands’.
__ None of the above (not eligible)


__ You intend to make the UK your main home – but refuse to fully integrate by
compromising your personal hygiene, accepting the bad quality of fruit and
vegetables, forgetting your manners and believing that Marks & Spencers make
tasty salads.
__ You will continue to spend most of your time outside the UK – not eligible.